Today is mom's birthday. Our first without her.
Yesterday was incredibly rough. You see, last year her birthday fell on Sunday so the church had a big celebration for her.
Yesterday was the anniversary of that. Everywhere I looked was a reminder. Sitting in the sanctuary, looking at the empty spot where her recliner used to sit, remembering the dining room full of flowers and balloons, thinking about the flower crown that some of the church children made her.
I sat in service and just sort of leaked tears quietly.
After, a friend asked if I was ok, and as I was trying to answer, another friend saw that I wasn't and hugged me.
To be honest, probably the most tears at once since mom passed.
But how sweet to be held by arms who love me, who are not frightened by wracking sobs or snotty face.
How healing to be heard but not not placated.
Then as we stood there, one of the children, a special little fellow, with many needs and issues of his own, came over and innocently asked if I was sad. I told him that I was sad because I missed my mom. He assured me that he remembered who my mom was. Then he hugged me and very seriously told me that when his special friend (a worker at his school) died, he was very sad, but that sometimes, he can sit and remember how much he loved her, and that helps. The precious innocence of his statements are something I will treasure always.
Today is rough too, and to be honest, many more rough days to come between now and the first anniversary.
So many other thoughts that are still too raw to share. Those will come another day. or not, we'll see.
Today, it hurts, but I'll make it.